I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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