I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
