This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
