so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
