I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
