i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
