You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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