My liver just broke up with me...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
