Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
