i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
