she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
