Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
