Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
