There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
