Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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