I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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