quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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