I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
