if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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