Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
