Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
