I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
