So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
