I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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