I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
