I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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