god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
