i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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