Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
