I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
