im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
