Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
