She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
