I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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