hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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