im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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