How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hippo gnu deer
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
