No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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