did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just threw up on my dentist
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
