you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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