You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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