grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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