you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
