Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
