I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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