Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
