Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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