Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Houston, we have a blender
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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