3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
