You're earring is so big in my mouth
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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