Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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