Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
