Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
