You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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