in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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