I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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