I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
