Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
